Jokes

An old woman was telling her friend about the time that her very rich husband died. Just before he died, he made his wife promise that all of his riches would be placed in the coffin with him. The old woman's friend said, "Well, did you do what he told you to do?" The old lady replied, "Yep! I wrote him a check, and he can cash it in whenever he wants to."
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Three blondes die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, Peter waits for them. Once they get there, he says to them, "Welcome to heaven. Before you can enter, you must each answer a question." He takes a blonde aside. "What is Easter?" The first blonde replies, "That's easy! Easter is the time in November when your family comes over to eat turkey and give thanks." Peter frowns and says, "No, I'm afraid that that's not it." He turns to the second blonde. "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the time in December where you put up a fancy tree and you exchange gifts." Peter sighs. "No, that is not Easter." He turns to the third blonde. "What is Easter?"

She thinks for a moment, and then says, "Easter is the time where we remember Jesus dying on the cross for us. It is the time where we find out that he is alive for us, and that he was the temple, and he died to save our sins." Peter says, "Good, good, go on!" The third blonde continues. "Each year, we gather around the place where his tomb is, and we wait for him to come out. If he sees his shadow and gets scared when he comes out of his tomb, we know that we will have six more weeks of winter."
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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because they can't chew them with their old teeth.

“Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled. The lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
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Donna: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
Josh: What?
Donna: A pilot, you racist!
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Dayton: When is is bad luck to have a black cat following you?
Tara: I don't know, when?
Dayton: When you are a mouse.
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Two geese were going through a haunted house. One of them turned to the other and said, "This is so scary I've got people bumps all over me."
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A couple of backpackers were packing for a hike through bear country. One of them was putting in a pair of track shoes. The first hiker said "What do you need those for? You don't think you can outrun a bear, do you?" The second hiker looks at him and says, "No, all I have to do is outrun you."
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Ryan: What was the last thing to enter the bug's mind as he hit the windshield?
David: What?
Ryan: His back legs!
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Ethan: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Isabella: Douse it with tomato juice?
Ethan: No! You hold its nose!
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Ashley: Two blondes walk into a bar. What do they say?
Aaron: What?
Ashley: Ounch!
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Josh: What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
JR: What?
Josh: Everybody can roast beef, but nobody can pea soup!
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Sarah: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Risa: The one who was caught in the trap?
Sarah: Yeah! It chewed off three of its legs to get free, but it was still caught.
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Bill: What did the fish say when is swam into a wall?
Frieda: What?
Bill: Dam!
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A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband "What did he say?. The husband replies "he wants to see your driver's license." The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he saw the ugliest woman ever he ever saw in his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Henry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Henry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Henry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: Only when he's drunk.
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A thief breaks into a house and hears a voice say 'Jesus is watching you'. He freezes up for a second, takes a look around and when he didn't see anybody, reaches for the DVD player and hears the voice again say 'Jesus is watching you'. He looks around again and notices a parrot over in the corner of the room. He reaches for the DVD player again and the parrot says 'Jesus is watching you'. He walks over to the parrot and asks it what it's name was. The parrot told him 'Moses'. The criminal asked the parrot what kind of idiot named a parrot Moses. The parrot said 'The same kind of idiot that would name his bulldog Jesus'.
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A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I will never know.
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Harry: What did one fly say to the other fly?
Ron: I don't know, what?
Harry: 'Hey fly, your dude is open!'
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Bob: Did your hear about the butcher who backed into his meat-grinder?
Bill: Yeah, he got a little behind in his work
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The reason men fart more than women is because women don't shut their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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One day, Jimmy's dad said that they are going to have an important visitor. "Who is it dad? Who is it," was Jimmy's reply. "The Pope!" says his dad. "Ooooh, can I meet him??" "No, it is your bedtime. But perhaps in the morning, you can bring him his tea." Morning comes, and the boy gets up. His dad is already in the kitchen. "Remember, you said that I could give the Pope his tea," said Jimmy. "Sure," his dad says. "OK, here is the tea. I want you to go up to the guest bedroom and say 'It's the boy, my lord, it is time to get up.' Then, give him his tea, and come right back." "OK," the boy said, and after practicing that line over and over, he goes up to the guest room. A little while later, the dad, who is downstairs in the kitchen, hears a ruckus. Then, he sees the Pope himself running in his pajamas out into the street. Then, Jimmy runs down the stairs, and his dad stopped him before Jimmy, too, ran out into the street. "What did you say?!?" the dad interrogated. "I was so nervous," said the boy, "that I accidentally went into his room and said "it's the Lord, my boy, it's time to get up."
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There was once a blonde who hated all of the blonde jokes that were said. One day, she was driving as she was fuming over this, and she saw another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a corn field, rowing. The first blonde stops the car, gets out, and starts shouting to the blond in the rowboat. "See, it's blondes like YOU that make US look so dumb! I am so mad, I could swim over there and drown you!"
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A blonde family is driving to Disneyland. They find a sign that said 'DisneyLand: left.' "Oh, well," says the driver, and they turned around and went home.
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Two men went into a nineteen story bar. The first guy ordered a beer and took a drink. "Wow, this beer is so good I could take another swig and jump out the window, fly around the building, and come back in, unharmed!" He takes another drink, screams in delight, jumps out of the window, flies around the building, and comes back in, completely unharmed. The second guy says, "Whoa! Do that again!" Then he waves his hand above the guy to make sure that there are no strings. Then, the first guy takes another drink of beer, jumps out of the window, flies around the building, and flies back into the bar unharmed. The second guy says, "Hey! Let me try!" He grabs the first guy's beer, takes a drink, and says "Wow, this is good!" He jumps out the window... and splats on the sidewalk nineteen stories below. The bartender, listening to this duologue while leaning on the wall with his arms crossed, starts cracking up, saying "Superman, you're a jerk!"
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I went to the arcade one day, and I found this really cool game! You put in one dollar, and four quarters come out. I love this game 'cause I always win.
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A wise man once said, "Some people are like Slinkys. They are boring and useless, but they are fun to push down the stairs.